Soap Wars! Aleksandr the Meerkat to play Corrie crackhead

 

Advertising superstar Aleksandr Orlov is to play a furry Russian crackhead in Coronation Street.

The Eastern Bloc mammalian lothario has been drafted into the soap ratings war by ITV bosses desperate to win back some of the ground lost to Eastenders, which has seen its ‘Phil on crack’ storyline generate more ink this summer than BP.

Aleksandr will appear as a suave prospective buyer of The Rovers Return, before revealing himself to be an evil crack-smoking mongoose who will stop at nothing to get his paws on the legendary boozer.

Coronation street producer Phil Collinson said, “Orlov’s self-deprecating charm really captured the imagination of the public.We had to get him on the show. Simples. Now he’ll be piping more crackrock in a single episode than Phil Mitchell could smoke in a Christmas Special and an Easter Omnibus combined. He’s going to smoke so many stones he’ll be off on a puppet rampage the likes of which haven’t been seen since Churchill the insurance dog got annihilated on Drambuie, whacked up Jimmy Corkhill’s stash then drove a JCB through the front window of Tescos.”